Dear Adam,

There's a boy I really want to go out with. I know he likes “Lost” and he's really excited for the new season. Can you explain the show to me so I can impress him when we watch it together?

- Love Overcomes Strange Television

Dear LOST,

So here's the thing about “Lost.” At heart, it's really just a story about people trying to find themselves, á¡ la “Castaway” or “Robinson Crusoe”—except with weird monster cloud-things, an ever-increasing number of inhabitants on a “deserted” island, and that creepy guy from “Saw.” Also, it makes no sense.

On the other hand, it's also pretty cool. Stuff gets blown up left and right. A mysterious organization investigates the supernatural aspects of the island. The castaways reflect on the philosophical nature of their predicament—are they in Purgatory? Did they enter some kind of time vortex? And why were so many attractive people on ill-fated Oceanic Flight 815? (Seriously, this show has like the highest concentration of gorgeous people anywhere in the Pacific Ocean.) The writing isn't too bad, either. It rarely delves into melodrama, which is impressive considering the clichá©d subject matter. Sometimes it does get a little ridiculous—for example, how often do you come across a guy who lives in an abandoned bunker and punches a code into a machine every few hours because if he doesn't something unknown but definitely disastrous will happen? (Answer: Only in “Lost.”)

With the advent of the new season, LOST, now is just as good a time as any to get into the show. Yes, it is intimidating, but I'll try to give you a couple tips to help you enjoy the show with your future beau.

If you don't know what's going on, blame it on the Others. The Others are the folks who have been living on the island and constantly antagonize the castaways. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it's because that creepy guy from “Saw” is in charge. Or because he gets his orders from a ghost/invisible man/hallucination in a shed in the jungle. Whatever the case, simply attribute inexplicable situations or random new characters to the Others, and you'll probably be right.

Sympathize with Hurley. While many of the characters on the show come from tragic backgrounds, Hurley is in a class of his own. The guy wins a lottery only to have people around him start dropping like flies, he's quite overweight and is often cruelly reminded of it, he spends time in a mental institution before—and seemingly after—he's stranded on the island, etc. No matter how you feel about the other characters, if you don't love and pity Hurley you're a terrible person.

Speculate blindly about everything. Is Kate going to end up with Jack or Sawyer? Is John Locke good or bad? Who are the people on the boat? Why hasn't that guy aged in the past however many years? Who are the rest of the Oceanic Six and how did they get home? Did they even get home? What the hell were the creators thinking when they came up with show?

Hopefully, this will help you out. And if you don't understand it any better, at least you can act like you know what's going on. It works for me—hell, I've only seen one episode.

Dear Adam,

I submitted poetry to The AS Review, but I haven't seen it printed. Why not?

- Pissed-off á‰crivain

Dear POE,

For those of you who don't speak French, we took the liberty of looking up á©crivain—it means writer. Cleverly done, POE.

To answer your question, it might be for a few reasons. First and foremost, we're constrained by space. We usually have 12 pages in each issue. One is reserved for the cover and two for the calendar, which leave nine pages for everything else. Our staff gets paid to write and shoot photos for those nine lovely pages.

However, you might have figured out by now that space isn't a problem in this issue. So you're probably wondering why we have a giant maze in this issue and not your poem. That brings me to reason two: we haven't gotten around to reading your poem yet. Submissions are great, but we don't always have time to review all of them each week. How long do you think that giant maze took?

If neither of those reasons suffice, how about this: the Editor in Chief is nearly illiterate and can't tell the difference between genuinely good poetry and whiny drivel about your ex.

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