By Dr. V. Hustle
Valentine's Day is a conundrum. This time of year, Western always seems to break up into three schools of thought.
First we have people in relationships who get really excited at the prospect of getting all dressed up and going out for a romantic dinner. The degree of their excitement varies from person to person, falling anywhere from $300 dresses, to a bottle (or six) of Two Buck Chuck. These folks treat the holiday in terms of being somewhere between a birthday and an anniversary. Thus, I have dubbed these folks the Required Romantics.
Second we've got people who are single, and who are dismayed that you would dare to imply that they would do something fun on Valentine's Day. The only thing more bitter than these pitch-black souls are the limes in their countless margaritas as they watch an edited “Sex and the City” marathon on TBS, while their best friends all discuss their god-awful, shallow relationships, and their passive-aggressive attempts at changing people. These are the same folks who will inform you that “Valentine's Day was created by the people at Hallmark” and inform you that “you're a capitalist pig for buying flowers!” These charming chaps have earned the title of Hallmark Haters.
Finally, we have those poor saps who have had more than their share of fun over the last year, but have refused to be tamed. You know the ones, cocky people who always take a condescending tone when asking how long a relationship has been going, or always mentioning how they don't need anyone else in their lives to make them feel complete.
These gentlemen and ladies walk around with an air of superiority, but unfortunately for them, when the big night comes they will cave and end up watching “Love Actually” and sending out a mass text, hoping someone will respond. If someone does, and even mentions something along the lines of going on a date, even if it's as farfetched as a night of pinball and PBR at the bar, they will throw together an outfit and have the finest bouquet of Fred Meyer flowers you've ever seen. With all these traits taken into consideration, I have deemed it appropriate to name this group Last-Minute Lamenters.
Do not fret if you think you're current group is one you don't belong in. The barriers between these three are extremely permeable, and one can drift between them freely enough. Even if a miracle change in your Facebook relationship status is not in the works for you between now and Thursday, you can still make the most out of your Valentine's Day, just by following Dr. V. Hustle's tested advice.
To the Required Romantics:
1. Don't break up with your significant other between now and Valentine's Day. Just don't do it. It doesn't matter how justified you are, or how badly the situation is going, if you dump your girlfriend or boyfriend during this week, you'll forever be known as “that person who is so inept at life they broke up with someone the week before Valentine's Day.” Sure, they'll understand after you explain how your ex was a secret coke-addict with a penchant for pawning your things, but how many times do you really want to open up that wound?
2. If you're thinking of a gift for Valentine's Day, don't make it a baby. That's weird.
3. A big dinner date at Red Lobster or Anthony's Fish Grotto will be ruined by a simple allergy. I don't care how delicious dessert at your place is, nobody wants to get naked if their throat is more swollen than their tear-filled eyes and they're covered in hives the size of tennis balls. Also, Anthony's will still make you pay your tab if you puke on a table.
4. Don't bring your damn flowers to campus. It's obnoxious.
To the Hallmark Haters:
1. Maybe next year, champ.
To the Last-Minute Lamenters:
1. Make sure to be groomed. If you're going to throw yourself at someone on the fourteenth, you might as well be prepared, right? Besides, isn't the point of throwing a Hail Mary to score a touchdown? Nobody wants to kick a field goal on first down because the field is too awkward to run on—nobody.
2. Do not, I repeat, do not invite an ex out on Valentine's Day. This blessing will turn into a nightmare faster than you can say “Are we back together?”
3. Stay away from booze. There is nothing sadder than a slurry phone call at 2 in the morning on February 15. I know, I know, you just “wannatalkforasec,” but you're not being as clever as you think you are.
All in all, make sure to have a good time. Treat that special someone, or just sit at home—either way you can't go wrong by taking the doctor's advice.