Sometimes, journalists do hard things so you don’t have to. War reporters, for example, head to the heart of places like Sadr City so you can know what’s going on on the ground without having to be there.
We here at the AS Review drink awful sodas for you.
The Jones Thanksgiving Sodas have become something of a disgusting holiday institution, and, naturally, we wanted a piece of the liquefied pie. Being equal opportunity jerks, we subjected our friends and loved ones to the same. The results are tabulated below.
Turkey & Gravy, the annual flavor, was universally an unsettling but unremarkable introduction to the sordid affair— its mouthfeel was akin to industrial lubricant. The saccharine Dinner Roll was held in equal disregard for its resemblance to the often reviled Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bellies.
The Pea flavor was a particular stinker. From reviewer Sam Wertz: “If this was split pea soup with bacon and the bacon was maple smoked bacon, maybe this would taste like that.”
The Sweet Potato and Antacid flavors, while celebrated for their resemblance to the products in question, were generally ridiculed for the self-same, unsettling quality of familiarity.