You want me to beg, don’t you?

That’s your little game, isn’t it? You want to see me get down on my knees and petulantly plead for you to apply for one of the nine staff salaried positions still open in the Associated Students.
But I’m not going to. I have my dignity.

Besides, it’s your loss. We’ve tried time and again to drill it into your thick skull the great opportunity you’re missing out on. We’ve used the full pantheon of enticement buzzwords— words and phrases like “opportunity” and “professional experience.” We even used “delectable” once. Yet there you sit, spitting on our entreaties like this is pre-Lee Kuan Yew Singapore.

Well fine. I don’t mind. Work at that new Wendy’s, for all I care. Or, better yet, don’t get a job at all. Buy yourself a didgeridoo and sit in Red Square 24/7, serenading the LaRouche kids. They would probably welcome the deafening respite from constant catcalling.

You probably wouldn’t like working as a Graphics Production Coordinator anyway. I mean, sure, you get to work with the Publicity Center’s large format printer, one of just a handful on campus. And, yeah, it’s pretty much unbeatable first hand experience in developing and demonstrating your pre-press and professional graphics production skills, but who cares? Only someone who wants a career in the graphics industry, and who needs that when you’ve got your didgeridoo?

And who really wants to work in a Personnel Office? Not me, that’s for sure; all that professional communications and management experience would make for a seriously overqualified fry cook. I’m pretty sure Human Resources offices don’t look at past experience when hiring, anyway.

Don’t even get me started on working as the Outdoor Center Equipment Shop Coordinator. The idea of working in an environment with so many exciting opportunities to explore the grandeur of nature; it makes me positively nauseated! The life of a cubicle wonk, that’s the life for me!

Yes, it’s probably a good thing you not look into applying for those jobs, or any of the six others still accepting applications (Elections Coordinator, AS Review Editor, Web Programmer, Personnel Office Assistant Coordinator, ROP Veteran’s Outreach Coordinator and ROP LGBTA Coordinator). They’d likely bring you nothing but joy, and everyone knows— pathos is the key to professional didgeridoomanship.